Category Archives: Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men, Season 12

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2014-11-05T07:00:00Z

Walden Schmidt and Alan Harper have spent another year searching for the ideal life. Alan thought he’d found his soulmate in Lyndsey’s future sister-in-law, but it wasn’t meant to be. An attempt to restart his chiropractic business led Alan to disappointment as well. On the plus side, he met his niece, Jenny, who turned out to be just like her father – a partier and a womanizer. Walden also had his share of ups and downs. Just when an old flame returned and he decided she was “The One,” someone else turned up and he was sure she was “The One.” In the end, neither one was “The One.” Berta remained at their sides all along, keeping them grounded. Meanwhile, Evelyn reached contentment, having gained a granddaughter, Jenny, and a 90-year-old billionaire husband. In this final season, Alan and Walden will continue their search for true love, contentment and the meaning of life. And they may actually find a couple of those things!

Track

Title

1

The Ol’ Mexican Spinach

2

A Chic Bar in Ibiza

3

Glamping in a Yurt

4

Thirty-eight, Sixty-two, Thirty-eight

5

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

6

Alan Shot a Little Girl

7

Sex With an Animated Ed Asner

8

Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

9

Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

10

Here I Come, Pants!

11

For Whom the Booty Calls!

12

A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

13

Boompa Loved His Hookers

14

Don’t Give a Monkey a Gun

15

Of Course He’s Dead Part 1 and 2

15 Episodes 

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Two and a Half Men, Season 11

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2013-10-14T07:00:00Z

Emmy® winner Jon Cryer stars alongside the multitalented Ashton Kutcher in the Emmy®-nominated Two and a Half Men as the hit comedy series returns for its 11th season. Another year of bachelorhood brought many new adventures for roommates Walden Schmidt (Kutcher) and Alan Harper (Cryer), living in the Malibu beach house now owned by Walden, an Internet billionaire. After his girlfriend turned down his marriage proposal, Walden was thrown back into the dating world in a serious way. He even got invited to a threesome with Alan and his girlfriend, Lindsey (guest star Courtney Thorne-Smith), and created a false identity to find a girl who wasn’t after his money. The guys may have thought things were going to slow down once Alan’s son, Jake, got transferred by the Army to Japan, but they’re about to be proven wrong when a niece of Alan’s, who shares more than a few characteristics with her father, shows up at the beach house.

Track

Title

1

Nangnangnangnang

2

I Think I Banged Lucille Ball

3

This Unblessed Biscuit

4

Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

5

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

6

Justice In Star-Spangled Hot Pants

7

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

8

Mr. Walden, He Die, I Clean Room

9

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

10

On Vodka, On Soda, On Blender, On Mixer!

11

Tazed In the Lady Nuts

12

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

13

Bite Me, Supreme Court

14

Three Fingers of Créme de Menthe

15

Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

16

How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

17

Welcome Home, Jake

18

West Side Story

19

Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

20

Lotta Delis in Little Armenia

21

Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

22

Oh, Wald-E, Good Times Ahead

22 Episodes 

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Two and a Half Men, Season 10

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2012-10-01T07:00:00Z

It’s been a year since we saw Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher), a lovelorn Internet billionaire, attempt to drown himself in the ocean after his wife kicked him out. He stumbled into the Malibu beach house where tightly-wound chiropractor Alan Harper (Jon Cryer) and his slacker teenage son, Jake (Angus T. Jones), had been living with Alan’s brother for the past eight years before his untimely passing. Walden bought the house and invited Alan to remain there, saving Alan from having to move in with his mother. Walden asked Berta (Conchata Ferrell), who had been working in the household, to stay as well. Despite his unsuccessful history with women, Alan found himself mentoring Walden. Walden, Alan and Jake adjusted to their new living arrangement and created a surrogate family unit to make each a better man … or at least try.

Track

Title

1

I Changed My Mind About the Milk

2

A Big Bag of Dog

3

Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

4

You Know What the Lollipop Is For

5

That’s Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

6

Ferrets, Attack!

7

Avoid the Chinese Mustard

8

Something My Gynecologist Said

9

I Scream When I Pee

10

One Nut Johnson

11

Give Santa a Tail-hole

12

Welcome to Alancrest

13

Grab a Feather and Get in Line

14

Run, Steven Staven! Run!

15

Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

16

Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

17

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

18

The 9:04 from Pemberton

19

Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon.

20

Bazinga! That’s from a TV Show

21

Another Night With Neil Diamond

22

My Bodacious Vidalia

23

Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped

101

“The Billionaire Upgrade” Featurette

24 Episodes 

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Two and a Half Men, Season 9

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2010-09-19T07:00:00Z

The multi-talented Ashton Kutcher, whose success spans film, television and social media, joins the cast of the Emmy® Award–nominated Two and a Half Men as the hit comedy series returns for its ninth season, continuing the laughs about men, women, sex, dating, divorce, mothers, single parenthood, surrogate families, money and, most importantly, love. Playing Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, Kutcher (That ‘70s Show) joins Jon Cryer as the tightly wound Alan Harper, Angus T. Jones as Alan’s laidback son, Jake Harper, Holland Taylor as Alan’s narcissistic mother, Evelyn Harper, Marin Hinkle as Alan’s neurotic ex-wife Judith Harper and Conchata Ferrell as the brash and blue-collar Berta on the top-rated series. Revamped and re-energized, the newly “manned” sitcom was created and executive produced by Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn.

Track

Title

1

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

2

People Who Love Peepholes

3

Big Girls Don’t Throw Food

4

Nine Magic Fingers

5

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

6

The Squat and Hover

7

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

8

Thanks for the Intercourse

9

Frodo’s Headshots

10

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

11

A Lovely Landing Strip

12

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

13

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

14

A Possum On Chemo

15

The Duchess of Dull-In-Sack

16

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

17

Not in My Mouth

18

The War Against Gingivitis

19

Palmdale, Ech

20

Grandma’s Pie

21

Mr. Hose Says ‘Yes’

22

Why We Gave Up Woman

23

The Straw In My Donut Hole

24

Oh look! Al-Qaeda!

24 Episodes 

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Two and a Half Men, Season 8

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2010-09-20T07:00:00Z

For seven sidesplitting seasons, Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen) has loved ’em and left ’em. Last season, however, Charlie’s fiancée Chelsea met a doctor who was generous, thoughtful and mature (in short, everything that Charlie’s not) and she left him! Charlie, of course, — after pickling himself in booze and self-pity — handles the situation in typical Charlie fashion. Which means lots of laughs for Men fans. It’s a return to bachelordom for the Harpers as TV’s #1 comedy finds its hilarious form once more. Add in the amorous blunders of Charlie’s divorcee brother Alan and the lovable, but sometimes cement-headed decisions of Charlie’s teenaged nephew Jake and these (almost three) men add up to riotous fun. With high-profile guest stars and the steady comedic guidance of comedy master Chuck Lorre (The Big Bang Theory), the Harper household is looking great for season eight!

Track

Title

1

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

2

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

3

A Pudding-filled Cactus

4

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

5

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

6

Twanging Your Magic Clanger

7

The Crazy Bitch Gazette

8

Springtime On a Stick

9

A Good Time In Central Africa

10

Ow, Ow, Don’t Stop

11

Dead from the Waist Down

12

Chocolate Diddlers

13

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

14

Lookin’ for Japanese Subs

15

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

16

That Darn Priest

16 Episodes

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Two and a Half Men, Season 7

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2009-09-21T07:00:00Z

Now in its seventh season, this comedy is (dare we say it?) growing up and . . . growing! Emmy nominee Charlie Sheen stars as Charlie Harper, the veteran Malibu bachelor who may finally be reined in by the smart and independent Chelsea (Jennifer Taylor) who wrangled a proposal from the lone wolf toward the end of last season. Now living in his Malibu mansion, things might be getting a little crowded — especially with Chelsea’s cat, Charlie’s tightly wound brother Alan (Emmy nominee Jon Cryer), and the “half-man” of the bunch, Alan’s son Jake (Angus T. Jones), who’s now reached driving age and will stop at nothing (including blackmail) to exercise the privilege! Featuring a sharp-witted supporting cast of acclaimed women and a parade of guest stars such as rocker Eddie Van Halen and more.

Track

Title

1

818-jklpuzo

2

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

3

Mmm, Fish. Yum.

4

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

5

For the Sake of the Child

6

Give Me Your Thumb

7

Untainted By Filth

8

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle

9

Captain Terry’s Spray-On Hair

10

That’s Why They Call It ‘Ball Room’

11

Warning, It’s Dirty

12

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

13

Yay, No Polyps!

14

Crude and Uncalled For

15

Aye, Aye, Captain Douche

16

Tinkle Like a Princess

17

I Found Your Moustache

18

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

19

Keith Moon Is Vomiting In His Grave

20

I Called Him Magoo

21

Gumby With a Pokey

22

This Is Not Gonna End Well

22 Episodes

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Two and a Half Men, Season 6

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2008-09-22T07:00:00Z

Dont miss Season 6 of Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer, and Angus T. Jones star in this comedy about men, women, sex, dating, divorce, mothers, single parenthood, sibling relations, surrogate families, money, and most importantly, love. More specifically, it’s about brothers Charlie (Sheen), a carefree bachelor with a house in Malibu and an easy way with women, and Alan (Cryer), his uptight housemate, and Alan’s son, Jake (Jones), who all live in the same house. Complicating matters further is Evelyn (Holland Taylor), the guys’ narcissistic, emotionally toxic mother; Judith (Marin Hinkle), Alan’s deeply neurotic ex-wife; and Berta (Conchata Ferrell), their outspoken housekeeper. Despite the complexities of their own lives and their family relationship, Charlie and Alan have one thing in common: they both love Jake and want what’s best for him. As a result, they manage to create a little family unit that promises to make each of them a better man.

Track

Title

1

Taterhead Is Our Love Child

2

Pie Hole, Herb

3

Damn You, Eggs Benedict

4

The Flavin’ and the Mavin’

5

A Jock Strap in Hell

6

It’s Always Nazi Week

7

Best H.O. Money Can Buy

8

Pinocchio’s Mouth

9

The Mooch At the Boo

10

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

11

The Devil’s Lube

12

Thank God for Scoliosis

13

I Think You Offended Don

14

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

15

I’d Like to Start with the Cat

16

She’d Still Be Dead At Halftime

17

The ‘Ocu’ or the ‘Pado’?

18

My Son’s Enormous Head

19

The Two-Finger Rule

20

Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

21

Above Exalted Cyclops

22

Sir Lancelot’s Litter Box

23

Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth

24

Baseball Was Better with Steroids

24 Episodes

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Two and a Half Men, Season 5

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2007-09-24T07:00:00Z

The Emmy®-winning laughfest continues with another sensational season. With Jake (Angus T. Jones) now entering junior high school, his dad, Alan (Jon Cryer), reliving his high school dating history and Charlie (Charlie Sheen) finally maturing a little himself, will there be room for three men in Charlie’s Malibu beach pad? In addition to all the usual domestic comedy chaos, the fifth season features a lavish wedding between Evelyn (Holland Taylor) and her mysterious fiancé (Robert Wagner), a murder, a crossover CSI episode and the series landmark 100th episode featuring the return of Charlie’s longtime stalker/soulmate Rose (Melanie Lynskey). With guest stars that also include ER’s Ming-Na Wen, Jenny McCarthy and more, you won’t want to miss a single episode from this hilarious fun-filled season.

Track

Title

1

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

2

Media Room Slash Dungeon

3

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

4

City of Great Racks

5

Putting Swim Fins On a Cat

6

Help Daddy Find His Toenail

7

Our Leather Gear Is In the Guest Room

8

Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

9

Tight’s Good

10

Kinda Like Necrophilia

11

Meander to Your Dander

12

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

13

The Soil Is Moist

14

Winky-Dink Time

15

Rough Night In Hump Junction

16

Look At Me, Mommy, I’m Pretty

17

Fish In a Drawer

18

If My Hole Could Talk

19

Waiting for the Right Snapper

19 Episodes

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Two and a Half Men, Season 4

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2006-09-18T07:00:00Z

The Emmy®-winning fourth season of television’s top comedy starts with a shock (Alan’s getting divorced … again) and ends with a rock: the diamond that Evelyn’s (Holland Taylor) new boyfriend wants to put on her finger. In between, Charlie Harper’s hip Malibu beach house is the place for laughs, gorgeous girls, single parenthood, celebrity neighbors, family dynamics, more girls, and more laughs. In the fourth season, Charlie (Charlie Sheen) has a close encounter with his long deceased dad; Alan (Jon Cryer) tries online dating … after a few internet embellishments; and Jake (Angus T. Jones) trades in his Harry Potter posters for some wall art a little hotter.

Track

Title

1

Working for Caligula

2

Who Is This Vod Kanockers?

3

The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

4

A Pot-Smokin’ Monkey

5

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

6

Apologies for the Frivolity

7

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

8

Release the Dogs

9

Corey’s Been Dead for an Hour

10

Kissing Abe Lincoln

11

Walnuts and Demerol

12

Castrating Sheep In Montana

13

Don’t Worry Speed Racer

14

That’s Summer Sausage, Not Salami

15

My Damn Stalker

16

Young People Have Phlegm Too

17

I Merely Slept With a Commie

18

It Never Rains In Hooterville

19

Smooth As a Ken Doll

20

Aunt Myra Doesn’t Pee a Lot

21

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

22

Mr. McGlue’s Feedbag

23

Anteaters. They’re Just Crazy-Lookin’

24

Prostitutes and Gelato

24 Episodes

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Two and a Half Men, Season 3

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2005-09-19T07:00:00Z

Will Charlie take a spin on the marriage-go-round? The boys (all two and a half men’s worth) are back for a snappy, smart season of TV’s comedy hit. And while a drop-dead gorgeous parade of Sandys, Mandis and Kandis march in and out of Charlie’s Malibu beach house, the true heart of the series remains the makeshift family that calls this place home, including carefree bachelor Charlie (Charlie Sheen), his finicky chiropractor brother Alan (Jon Cryer) and Alan’s outspoken young son Jake (Angus T. Jones). This season, Charlie romances a beautiful ballet dancer, while Alan simultaneously dates his controlling ex-wife (Marin Hinkle) and another woman. Finally, wedding bells will ring. But who’s the happy couple?

Track

Title

1

Weekend In Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

2

Principal Gallagher’s Lesbian Lover

3

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

4

Your Dismissive Attitude Towards Boobs

5

We Called It Mr. Pinky

6

Hi, Mr. Horned One

7

Sleep Tight, Puddin’ Pop

8

That Voodoo That I Do

9

Madame and Her Special Friend

10

Something Salty and Twisted

11

Santa’s Village of the Damned

12

That Special Tug

13

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

14

Love Isn’t Blind, It’s Retarded

15

My Tongue Is Meat

16

Ergo, the Booty Call

17

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

18

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

19

Golly Moses, She’s a Muffin

20

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

21

And the Plot Moistens

22

Just Once With Aunt Sophie

23

Arguments for the Quickie

24

That Pistol-Packin’ Hermaphrodite

24 Episodes

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Two and a Half Men, Season 2

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2004-09-20T07:00:00Z

Welcome back to the Harpers’ Malibu beach house — home to one of the funniest TV comedy hits in a long, long time. Resolute bachelor Charlie’s trying (but not very hard) to remember the name of the girl currently taking a shower upstairs. Meanwhile, Alan, Charlie’s divorced, uptight brother, is reveling in the glory of being named the San Fernando Valley’s “Chiropractor of the Year.” And finally, there’s Jake, Alan’s 11-year-old son, who’s happiest with a soft drink in one hand and the TV remote in the other, taking it all in stride. After a year of living together, it seems like the guys have figured out how two and a half men can equal one seriously funny family. Sort of.

Track

Title

1

Back Off Mary Poppins

2

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

3

A Bag Full of Jawea

4

Go Get Mommy’s Bra

5

Bad News from the Clinic?

6

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

7

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out In Fontana

8

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

9

Yes, Monsignor

10

The Salmon Under My Sweater

11

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

12

A Lungful of Alan

13

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

14

Those Big Pink Things With Coconut

15

Smell the Umbrella Stand

16

Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?

17

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

18

It Was ‘Mame’, Mom

19

A Low Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

20

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

21

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

22

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

23

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

24

Does This Smell Funny to You?

24 Episodes

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1

Genres: Comedy
Released: 2003-09-22T07:00:00Z

Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer star in this Emmy-nominated comedy about two brothers and a precocious kid. Charlie Harper is a bachelor in paradise — complete with Malibu beach house, overpaid job and an incredibly active dating life. When his uptight brother, Alan, in the throes of a divorce, moves in — and brings his 10-year-old son, Jake, with him, suddenly, it looks like paradise lost. Sorry Charlie. Don’t miss all 24 first season episodes of this breezy comedy — which won the People’s Choice Award for Favorite New Series — starring Charlie Sheen as Charlie and Jon Cryer as his brother, Alan. As the brothers reestablish a sense of family, Charlie also bonds with Jake (Angus T. Jones). Holland Taylor plays the guys’ domineering mother; Marin Hinkle is Alan’s icy ex; and Melanie Lynskey is Rose, the spacey stalker next-door who believes that one date with Charlie means life-long commitment. Meet the Harper men — two adults, one kid . . . and no grown-ups!

Track

Title

1

Pilot

2

Big Flappy Bastards

3

Go East On Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

4

If I Can’t Write My Chocolate Song, I’m Going to Take a Nap

5

Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump

6

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

7

If They Do Go Either Way They’re Usually Fake

8

Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful

9

Phase One, Complete

10

Merry Thanksgiving

11

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

12

Camel Filters and Pheremones

13

Sarah Like Puny Alan

14

I Can’t Afford Hyenas

15

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

16

That Was Saliva, Alan

17

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

18

An Old Flame With a New Wick

19

I Remember the Coat Room, I Just Don’t Remember You

20

Hey, I Can Pee Outside In the Dark

21

No Sniffing, No Wowing

22

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

23

Just Like Buffalo

24

Can You Feel My Finger?

24 Episodes

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